Just thinking…

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Simply the sheer concept of love scares me…being so devoted to another that your thoughts and actions are characterised by their presence. How can an individual have such a hold over another persons experiences? Their thoughts when they are alone, their hopes and dreams, even something as simple as their attitude towards the day…determined by another.

Although I believe that I have never experienced love itself, the slight glimpses that I have achieved have been enough for me to become terrified of the concept. The lack of control you begin to have over your thoughts. Paired with your feelings of intense confusion when you see their face, not knowing how to explain the complex emotions that their presence ignites.

These all show the terrifying feature of falling in love. Adequately named as such as you are in a free fall with an unknown destination. No telling where or when you will land and if there will be someone there to catch you when it happens. The alternative, of falling without someone there to catch you amplifies the emotional distress that a person goes through when their feelings are not replicated.

I can’t even begin to comprehend how this must feel. The media try to explain it through songs and movies, everyone trying to make sense of the experience, and everyone interpreting it in their own way. Although this just enhances the level of confusion. Not knowing whose explanation is the real deal, and those that show what you wish to see.

I guess until you experience it yourself you cannot offer an opinion – making it even harder to comprehend. Some people search their entire lives for their “one true love” whilst others dismiss the concept and focus on individual happiness as a means to salvation.

Although, those who chose the latter option cannot pretend that they didn’t wish for love. They can’t tell their teenage selves that it is never going to happen. Teenagers live their lives so filled with controversy and new experiences. Heightened by emotions and the sense of a newly found autonomy, the idea of love fascinates them. Again, heightened by the media, this feeling for a sense of higher happiness where you can share life’s moments with another, creates an area in our minds where uncertainty and chaos thrive.

Fuelled by our child-like imaginations that have yet to desert us, this is a place for our wildest dreams to become reality in scenarios we build ourselves. And amongst that place of inexplicable joy, i’m scared.

Scared for what is to come and how i am going to deal with this aspect of my life. School offers no classes on how to understand love, no one is more prepared than another for this. Perhaps its all a hoax, does it even exist or is it that we are always looking for this concept… That we cannot grasp?

But you cannot deny the feelings that present themselves. Nor can you hide from them. I guess you just have to be prepared for the free fall, enjoy the journey and hope to God that there is someone there to catch you.

Kirri

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